This Week in (Nearly True) History — July 4, 2012
Independence Day is a great opportunity for Americans to reflect on our shared past, and the long-forgotten days of Will Smith’s career as a credible action star. In honor of that classic movie, the inaugural “This Week in (Nearly True) History” is American flavored, by which I mean it tastes like Chinese leftovers. Enjoy.
July 4, 1776 – Delegates to the Continental Congress ratify the Declaration of Independence, ushering in a new era of belief in individual liberty and American exceptionalism which culminates in the creation of the Denny’s Tour of America Menu. The delegates celebrate by drinking “Delaware Brew,” a popular concoction of the era made by mixing mulled wine, slave’s blood, and salted mercury. Notoriously pussywhipped delegate Elbridge Gerry is later forced by his wife to sign a “Declaration of Dependence.”
July 5, 1971 – President Richard Nixon signs the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowers the national voting age from 21 to 18. Passage of the legislation is delayed after Sen. Strom Thurmond keeps sneaking in late at night and writing “just the white ones.” (Thurmond would later explain he was “only funnin’ with ’em,” by which he meant “negroes,” asking, “can you still say negroes?”) In a brief crisis of conscience, Nixon hesitates before signing the bill, wondering aloud if vetoing the legislation would somehow mean that no one could vote.
July 6, 1976 – Future president George W. Bush celebrates his 30th birthday by visiting the National Mall in Washington, D.C. and attempting to drink an entire mini-keg. Scandal is avoided when Bush’s father sends his CIA agents to retrieve the younger Bush in a daring daylight raid known as “Carry Off Wayward Son.” Coincidentally, future president Bill Clinton celebrates a Tuesday night by eating a half-bag of psychedelic mushrooms and seducing Bush’s abandoned mini-keg.
July 7, 1863 – Christopher “Kit” Carson embarks on a ferocious military campaign in the Southwest, leading his Union troops against the Navajo. The Navajo make for the hills, occasionally sending scouts with pointed overtures: “What the fuck? Thought you guys were fighting the South.” Carson is also remembered for his iconic last words: “I wish I had time for one last bowl of chili.” In typically enigmatic fashion, Carson refused to answer if he’d like a dollop of sour cream.
July 8, 1947 – In an isolated stretch of desert outside Roswell, New Mexico, nothing happens. NOT A GODDAMN THING. MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY.
July 9, 1896 – William Jennings Bryan delivers his iconic “Cross of Gold” speech to the Democratic National Convention. Bryan’s fiery oratory is known for the frenzied reaction it drew from the crowd: women fainted; men cursed, somehow, in tongues; nine babies were instantly conceived on the convention floor, three of which were born only moments later. Bryan goes on to lose, twice, to Republican William McKinley. In 1901 McKinley is assassinated by a mad man who’d found inspiration in a speech from Emma Goldman, leading everyone to just, kind of, take it easy on the speeches for a while.
July 10, 1999 – The U.S. Women’s Soccer team wins a dramatic shootout victory over China in the Women’s World Cup. Despite a dramatic save from Minneapolis native Whatshername and four other successful penalty kicks, the lasting image of the day is Brandi Chastain’s celebration, proving the American hivemind still goes fuzzy when a chick takes her shirt off. The disgraced Chinese team is forced to go on state television and sing the national anthem backwards while snapping their fingers. By contrast, the Americans are treated like national heroes, and are sent to the White House to get hit on by Bill Clinton and Al Gore.